In the process of writing this blog and in my personal journal, and have discovered that at the time of the pregnancy and miscarriage, I went through a crazy amount of emotions. I have been trying to figure out exactly how to explain the feelings I have had the past several months since, though, and have discovered through all this writing, that I basically need to deal with 2: the guilt over the decision to not try again, and the grief over losing a child.
As I mentioned in the previous post, I have found peace with the guilt; I need not feel guilty because I am absolutely positive that we would have loved this child and would love any others that are sent to our family; we are simply deciding what we feel is best for our family at this time.
As for the second emotion, I am hoping that getting these thoughts down and 'releasing' them in 2 weeks will help the healing there.
Here are some of the thoughts I have had about losing a child (this one and the previous miscarriages I have experienced):
Miscarriage is different than losing any other person in my life. As soon as I see those "two lines," I am imagining this new child: will it be a boy or girl? Will they have my dark hair and eyes or my husband's light hair and eyes? What will they like to do? Sports, music, writing, math? Will they like to snuggle or will they prefer to roughhouse and play around?
When I see those "two lines," I am automatically thinking nine months ahead and preparing my mind to add this child to our family. I am thinking of getting the carseat ready, the crib ready, the clothes ready, and helping the other kids prepare to have another sibling.
When the miscarriage happens, I do not have a child to hold and say goodbye to, I do not have a funeral I can sense some closure from, and I don't have all the support from everyone around me to get me through the difficult time.
I recently talked with another friend about this experience, and we talked about how we have this cultural thing where we don't tell anyone we're pregnant (except very close family and friends) until we're 12 weeks along when the "risk" is gone. . .I wonder why we do that? If a miscarriage happens, don't we want the support? Isn't that the time when we go through such awful morning sickness and worry that we would appreciate the help? These really are just musings because I was the same way. . .don't tell anyone that isn't super close until 12 weeks; looking back, maybe if I had done things differently, it would have been easier.
However, I'm not sure. When I have told people about my miscarriages, I have gotten mixed reactions. The hardest one to hear was, "Well, at least you've got your other kids." While that is true, I have lost my possible third child, and then I lost another possible third child. And now, I have lost my fifth child, or the possibility of having a fifth, probably forever. Those comments, although well-meaning, hurt badly because I felt I had to defend my grieving and sorrow to others--I felt like they couldn't understand why I was so incredibly sad.
Those who have been through this particular trial were those I was so grateful to have around me. After my first miscarriage, I had a friend (who had been through a miscarriage herself not long before) bring me flowers and dinner when she found out. It was so nice to feel someone knew what an empty space we felt and that flowers really were appropriate--you send flowers to a funeral, don't you? I feel a miscarriage is the same thing: even if we never met the person, we grieve for them and feel a great sense of loss.
I guess this post is for anyone who has experienced a miscarriage, unplanned pregnancy or not: please know that someone out there has been through the pain and the trying-to-be-helpful comments. Although I cannot know exactly how you feel as everyone experiences life differently, I do know how I have felt, and the pain can be truly unbearable; you're not alone.
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