The miscarriage and my emotions

I have gone through two miscarriages before where I had the positive test, had the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor, then went through the loss of the baby.  Both times, the solution was clear: try again to have another baby.  I dealt with the pain of losing those children by having more.  This time, it's different.

Here's the story of the actual miscarriage:

A few days after the positive pregnancy test and dealing with all of my own crazy emotions, I decided to take one more before I told my husband; I guess I wanted to be sure that this was something that was really going to be life-changing before I brought it up to him.  I took the test: only very slightly positive.  I had been through this with one other miscarriage--I knew that I was probably going to miscarry.  The next test I took? Totally negative.

I didn't bleed for another week and half after the negative test, but I knew I was going to.

Now for the flood of emotions I felt:

I felt so guilty that I had been anxious and frustrated about getting pregnant in the first place; here I was now wishing I could still be pregnant. . .Then, to be completely honest, part of me was relieved: I was relieved that I wasn't going to have to deal with having another baby.  Then, guilt for feeling that way because I really should want every baby, right? Relief, guilt for feeling that way, but more relief, but missing the baby I could have had, missing the possibility I had of having five children instead of four, and then more relief, and then more guilt.  What a roller coaster.

I thought the roller coaster would end shortly after I went through the miscarriage.  It didn't.

Almost every week, I would bounce back and forth between "let's just try again" and "no way, we KNOW we don't want anymore" and that roller coaster has continued all the way till now.  I know now that my desire to try again is completely based on my desire to have this pain go away and with my previous miscarriages, that is what we have done.

I have, though, come to a sort of peace about my guilt now.  My husband said something recently as we were talking about this topic that really hit me.  When discussing the guilt I felt over the whole situation and that maybe I was being selfish for not wanting to try again, he mentioned--If we had been given the opportunity to have that child, we would have loved him or her so much and they would have been so special to us.  I know now that although we have decided to not try to have any more children, I can be content and find peace in knowing that if we are ever sent another child, we will love them like crazy.  Yes, we may feel apprehensive if that happens someday, but we will also be so happy to welcome them into our family.  We don't need to feel guilty because we know that we would accept any child that came into our family with such joy and happiness.

The issue now is dealing with the pain of losing that child; I have never had to confront the pain because I have just focused my energy on having another one.

This past week, a friend that I would have been pregnant with had her baby.  That was a very hard day for me.  I imagined that if I had not miscarried, I would have been eagerly awaiting the birth of my new baby in just a few weeks, and the pain of imagining that was unbearable.

What we have decided to do, is release some balloons up to heaven during the week I would probably have been due (the first week of August).  We will think about the child we are missing and hoping that someday, we will be able to meet and love.

I am trying to get my emotions written down, so on that day, I can hopefully feel a real sense of release and be able to move on.